Forum.forSuicideSurvivors.com

tangeen · Joined: 14 Feb 2010 Posts: 4

It has been almost 9 months since my dad took his life. I thought that I was dealing with it pretty well until now. This past week I have been a mess. It is all that I can think about. I think that it started with seeing fathers day items in every store that I went in. I can't bring myself to even get my step-dad a fathers day card. I can't read them. I tried to, I left the store because I started crying. It has been down hill since then. His birthday is next month, the anniversary date of his suicide is September 28. I think about him when I open my eyes in the morning, I think about him all throughout the day, when I lay down at night, I wake up through the night thinking about him. It is relentless. I think about the last time that I talked to him, how I wish I knew that it was going to be the last time that I would ever talk to him, hear his voice, see his face, feel his hugs and hear I love you. It runs through my head no matter what I am doing. I think of all of the things that I could have said or wish that I had said. I wonder if it would have even made a difference. I don't think that it would have,but I 'll never know. I think about if I get remarried some day, then I think that I never want to because he will not be there to walk me down the aisle. It seems like my brain is on overdrive thinking of every that has happened, is happening or might happen. I am overly sensitive to everything right now. I still work at the company that my dad owned. Now one of his partners has purchased it. He is a really good guy, but it is soooo hard to stay there now. I feel like my whole world has done a flip. It is like this overwhelming grief has taken over. I don't know if it has taken this long to really sink in and now I am finally grieving. My dad and I did not have the closest of relationships, he was very much into his work. He was my dad though. I know that I could have turned to him for anything if I needed it. He was my rock and my security. He seemed so invincible, like nothing could ever defeat him. I looked up to and admired him so much. He had come from so little, but had become a great success and accomplished so much in his life. I just wish that he would have realized that he was so much more than his work, money, cars, houses, boats, reputation, etc..... he was my dad and I love him no matter what he had. All of the things that he was losing were material things. What I lost was him, and he is not replaceable, I wish he would have seen that. I miss him so much. I just want to cry all of the time. I hate feeling like this. I wish I could think of him and think about happy thoughts and memories, but I am always sad now. I heard a beautiful song that reminds me of him and how he was always my security blanket, Because you loved me by Celine Dion. He was always there if I needed anything and the thought of him being gone scares the hell out of me. Even though my parents got divorced when I was 4, I am still a daddy's girl. I don't think that I will ever get over this.

Salvette · Posted: Sat Jun 19, 2010 9:03 pm Post subject:

Ronnie Walker · Posted: Sun Jun 20, 2010 6:41 am Post subject:

Hello Tangeen,

Your love for your father, and the pain that you now feel, rings loudly though your post. I am so sorry for what you are going though ... for his death ... for the pain that caused him to take his life and for the pain that remains.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I know that hundreds of survivors are experiencing similar feelings and reactions ... particularly today. On holidays, when the rest of the world is celebrating ... it is especially difficult for survivors who often feel there is NOTHING to celebrate. I recall feeling as if there was a glass wall dividing me and the rest of the world.

Though I wish there was something I could do or say to relieve your pain, the most I can say is that what you are experiencing is normal ... the intense pain and obsessive thoughts. After loss to suicide, the mind has a mind of its own. It is a journey and the path leads toward healing, wisdom and strength, although in the beginning months (and sometimes years) it is hard to believe that. But it is true. People survive and go forward, forever altered, but they do go forward to create new relationships with those who have passed and to rebuild their lives.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and especially all who are missing fathers today.

Ronnie
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Ronnie Walker, MS, LCPC
Executive Director, Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors

Visit our website at www.forsuicidesurvivors.org

KayR · Joined: 13 Nov 2009 Posts: 191 Location: Ontario, Canada

wow as Ronnie said your love for your dad screams out in that post.. Iam at my desk at work in tears now..

Iam so sorry for the loss of your dad..
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Im Krystal.

<3 RMV..
Every single day everytime I pray..Ill be missing you

tangeen · Joined: 14 Feb 2010 Posts: 4

I appreciate everyones thoughts and comments. It is comforting to know that there are other people out there that do understand, to know that I am not losing my mind. My friends try to help, but they just don't understand. I find that people try to comfort me by comparing my dads death to one of their family members deaths. I know they mean well and are trying to help, but they will never understand unless they go through this. Of course I would have been terribly upset if my dad would have suddenly died from a heart attack instead, but the shock, pain and total lack of understanding would not have been there. There would not be all of these unanswered questions about his death. I think that I have gone through every emotion that there is in the last month, from deep depression to extreme anger
all aimed at my dad. When I am mad at him then I'm not so upset, but then eventually I get upset with the thought that I am mad at him. It seems like it is a never ending circle of emotion. Luckily when I suddenly break out in tears, if I'm quiet or just totally flip out, I am pretty good friends with the people that I work with. They were all at my dad's funeral. They all loved him too. He was a great dad and a great boss.
It has gotten a little bit better since Father's Day has passed, but now like I said before his birthday is July 17 and the 1 year anniversary of his suicide is September 28. I will cross those bridges and deal with the emotions when I come to them. People at work always ask me why I never take a day off. I dread being off of work, it keeps me very busy. I like being busy because then my mind is somewhere else and I don't have to deal with this. Thank you all for listening, it is nice knowing that there are more people that me that feel like this, to know that this is normal emotions to go through.

Cyndi S. · Joined: 16 Apr 2008 Posts: 1649 Location: Hanoverton, OH

I attended a conference for survivors recently that gave a really good analogy for the grief we work through. Imagine it as a spiral staircase, as you take each step forward, you are also spiraling around the staircase and will be passing those 'landmarks' that seem to trigger more grief. The first time you pass them will bring back so many emotions from the beginning of the journey that it will seem as if you are once again on the bottom step, but you aren't. You will find as you pass them the second time it will be a bit less intense, and with each passing it will become easier to get through. Each time you go through the spiral, you are doing "psychiatric" work on yourself.

This tragedy that we have all endured is not like a tragedy we have ever been through before - not like losing your house in a storm - that can be repaired - but this cannot, our lives are permanently changed. Our task is to relearn our world and learn to live in this new world of ours. Our active "self-cure" task is not to let go - but to find a different way to hold on to our relationship with those we have lost.
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Cyndi Slider
Message Board Senior Moderator

Tears are a tribute to the feelings we have for our loved ones so we should never hold them back. It's not a sign of weakness but a physical sign of our appreciation and affection for them.

SweetSweet Nick · Joined: 29 Jun 2010 Posts: 53 Location: north carolina

It's been almost 9 months since my son, Nicholas, took his life. We had him cremated & I have the ashes - his friends have been asking what we were going to do with them - they wanted a place to go & talk to him - they know his soul is not there - it's a symbolic thing - I want a place as well....I never wanted to put him in the ground - much less the COLD ground...but the 1 year mark will be in Nov 2010 - so that's when we'll do it... (.He wil be right beside my father who the medium said he was with in heaven ) Can't believe my son has been gone that long & I'm still breathing......grief & sorrow are still so very suffocating...especially at 300AM. I too love this site...feel like I can speak freely which is something I haven't been able to do in a long time.
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SweetSweet Nick

Scott's lost mom · Joined: 10 Jul 2010 Posts: 198 Location: oak creek, wi

wow, I am sorry for all of us.

I am sorry for everyone that has to feel this loss.

Tomorrow I am going to try and follow your example and extend some kindness. I am going to dig deep and find a little of the old me and i am going to think of you. I am going to talk to my son's friend who is having a hard time dealing with his death.
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Scott's lost mom
Scott left me on 6/16/10
He is 21, perfect, strong, brilliant, a senior in college, and a cadet major. He is my heart and I don't know why he didn't take me with him. I never wanted him to be alone.