Forum.forSuicideSurvivors.com

[Jennebelle]

Hi Everyone
Giant (((HUGS))) and warmest wishes. I am sincerely grateful to each one of you....I've made it almost 7 months, when I didn't feel I could make it 7 minutes. Part of that is knowing I'm not alone....so THANK YOU for that.

I'm still battling with overwhelming guilt, fixated on details, and deeply grieving the loss of a beautiful man. But I am still here. Still working on healing.

My boys and I are close, our relationship continues to be open, honest and loving. But there have been struggles. It's been a rough time for the kids, school hasn't been easy for them, dealing with trauma, rumors, and a mom with PTSD. But they are getting better. We are taking time to spend together, laugh when we can, and cry when we need to.

I have been back at work now, part-time, for three days a week. Sometimes it's overwhelming, but for the most part I am finding joy in helping people. Helping kids figure out their 'stuff' and being there for them. I find there are lots of things that trigger me, and I still get panic attacks sometimes especially at certain terms they use to describe their feelings. Any mention of 'killing myself' or dying is enough to send me into an emotional tailspin, but somehow I manage to stay composed.

I've learned to accept people's ignorance, and realize that unless they've been in my shoes they have no clue, and that's ok. I don't take it personally anymore. I've sorted out who my true friends are, and who they aren't. I don't allow myself to be around toxic people with harsh attitudes.

At the 5 month mark I realized that these events have altered the chemicals in my brain, and that it's ok to need help. I went on Antidepressants, and they seem to be helping with anxiety, and the lows aren't quite as low, and sleeping is a bit easier, although I've had a few days that have really scared me, and I had to reaffirm that I want to be here to see my children grown. And I do. In spite of it all, the tears, the heartache, the ugly and devastating images in my head, I do want to be here, I'm not done yet.

I can go into a dark room without having gripping terror. I can sleep with most of the lights off. There are still days where I want to stay in my pjs, with the blankets over my head, and pretend this has all been a nightmare, and sometimes when I feel this way, I do.

Since getting back to work, I've been catching up on the overwhelming accumulation of debt that I've been buried under, and I just tell myself over and over that it will eventually sort itself out, it's just money, and it'll get better. I can't focus on the negative things, or I meltdown.

I noticed a bit of a change at the 6 month mark, my memory started coming back bit by bit. For a while I didn't think I'd remember anything again. I've always been a 'details' person, and for a while couldn't recall my kids' birth weights even. It scared me and made me feel broken and crazy. But it's getting a bit better.

Anyway, it still feels like it's an uphill hike on a slippery mud slope, but weekly therapy helps (I never miss a session), I still get flashbacks when I'm over tired, or worked up. But I'm here. I've been reading everything I can get my hands on. I don't come on here as often anymore, but just knowing there's a place where people understand and don't judge is a help all on it's own.

Wishing everyone a small or big piece of peace on their journey to a new norm.

xoxoxoxox
Jen
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~Jennebelle~
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on.

There's a hole in the world, without you in it.

[Lilly]

That's just awesome!!
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http://www.slide.com/r/LeFZuF9c7j_goAxyrHC5TyxKgzmrajL5

I never ask for more than your love
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[Cyndi S.]

Jen,

Your post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing your heart with us, it will bring hope to many...
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Cyndi Slider
Message Board Senior Moderator

Tears are a tribute to the feelings we have for our loved ones so we should never hold them back. It's not a sign of weakness but a physical sign of our appreciation and affection for them.

[SweetSweet Nick]

JenneBelle -- I can relate - going on 9 months since my son, Nick, took hs life...he was 28. I didn't go anywhere or do anything for the first 5 months - I do the books at my husband's business so I went in when I didn't have to see anyone - I am very thorough & detail oriented as well - I did just the bare minimum - at work & at home - finances are so in a mess...oh well...it will get done when it gets done....hope they don't turn the power off because I haven't paid the bill. But today, I went with my daughter to get our hair cut & colored (We know the lady who does our hair so it was not like seeing a stranger ) but I am very proud of myself for going out & doing that - had it not been for my daughter I would not have gone...still not very steady on my feet....... like you I feel ... could this be progress? Guilt is also a huge issue - have not even begun to deal with that....one inch at a time.... is the best I can do..... but I'm still alive
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SweetSweet Nick