Forum.forSuicideSurvivors.com

[Mrs. T]

I am Mrs. T., Mr. T's wife. He was very articulate in expressing what happened with our daughter - and reading the reponses was very comforting. I know this is going to be a long, arduous journey - I am most concerend about my husband and other daughter. This "action" is very, very difficult on the family left behind - as you all know.

[federico sanchez]

Dearest Mrs. T:
My heart goes out to you and I want to extend my most-felt condolences. I lost my son shortly before his 23rd birthday.
We all deal differently with our losses. For your husband it will be quite different than for you as well as for your daughter. She will have a very different perspective than yours. Some go thorugh some emotions very intensely (anger, frustration, guilt, shame, sadness--grieving is hard work), others go unto an intellectual quest demanding answers (who is responsible? why? why me?). Most of us go in fits and starts and back and forth through different phases and emotions. It is all part of the griving process and different for all of us.
I know my wife has been upset (but generally respected my feelings and thoughts) by how I went about dealing with my loss, and many times she asked me not to talk about. For me, talking about it (the why? the tragedy, the ignorance) seemed my way. For her, silence was better. My other son never talks to me about his brother, perhaps because he feels it will upset me. I have written several books on the subject (which I gave to my son, of course), so I know he knows well my points of view, and feel that when and if he wants to talk about it, he will.
In the meantime,
A big, big hug.
Federico, Mitchell's dad

[Jonathan's mom]

I am so sorry that you have lost your beautiful daughter. As a mother who has recently lost her only son, I know only too well what you are going through, and my heart breaks for you and your family.
I, too, am much more worried about my husband than myself. My son's final words were "Have peace, have understanding, have acceptance". Ten months after his death, I feel that I am making progress toward that goal, or at least I can see that those things might be possible in the future. My husband is really struggling, and can see no possibility of ever having peace or happiness again.
I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I am so glad you and your husband have found this forum, and I hope it will provide you the support and consolation that I have found from it.
_________________
Donna (Jonathan's mom)

1/11/83 - 9/6/09

Have peace.
Have understanding.
Have acceptance.

[Jaycee]

Hello Mrs T

My heart is with you

I too was very concerned about how others were responding when my son killed himself - I felt quite responsible somehow for the hurt that was caused after all this was my son that did what he did. The way I found to deal with this was to makes sure I took good care of myself I took counselling and did lots of things to help me relax (guided meditation worked in really tough times) almost trying to model a way forward for others especially Rik's young friends - others saw me get stronger and often came, I felt just to observe how I was dealing with it. I also spoke openly to them about how I was feeling and what was going on for me - the sharing did seem to help people relax.

Its very early days for you as yet - please go easy on yourself, this is an exhausting road you find yourself on.

I agree entirely with Federico though - each one of you will deal in your own way and have your own beliefs etc, we all allowed each other space to do this, without judgement - My husband's grief was different to mine in that he felt the loss of future plans with our son, I didnt feel that - we did talk about the differences and that helped also - we soon learned we had different needs at different times. Riks partner just appeared to get on with life trying to stay on track with college courses etc, he didnt do much talking at all intially, the trauma seemed to shut him down somewhat and now nearly 2yrs later is talking more. My daughter reacted by thinking she had to look after me and her dad and became very practical- almost reversing the roles, after a few months I was very aware of this and made sure to shift that back then she found it easier to grieve herself and let her tears flow in front of me where she hadn't done in the early days.

Please keep coming back when you need to

[Ronnie Walker]

Hello Mrs. T,

I also want to welcome you and let you know how sorry I am for the loss of your daughter.

In the past, I have said that when my stepson Chan died in 1995, it was as if a grenade went off our family, leaving everyone deeply wounded and trying to survive by whatever means they could. Each one differently.

In the beginnning, I believe it is just a matter of surviving. Taking each day at a time. (At one point, I was taking 2 hours at a time, just trying to survive the next 2 and then the next.)

I know that those parents in this community, who have lost children, will best understand the pain of your loss. (As a step parent, I can try, but I know in my heart that it is not the same ... how can it be?)

I hope that this community and forum will provide some small sense of comfort in the days ahead.

Ronnie
_________________
Ronnie Walker, MS, LCPC
Executive Director, Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors

Visit our website at www.forsuicidesurvivors.org

[stillhurting]

Mrs. T,
Your feelings are most likely the same as their feelings for you. My mom lost her son and when I talk to her about it, it puts a different perspective on things. I actually thought hearing all the guilt she has was so sad and so wrong. There are so many factors in what happens in someone's life. What comforts me the most is knowing NOBODY really knows anyone but themselves. I hate that fact that we'll never know all the reasons or reasoning behind what they chose to do. What were all the struggles they thought we're so overwhelming. Of course I know some and have my theories. The fact is they did do it and now we have to pick up the pieces of our broken hearts. Everyone has a broken heart that loved your daughter. It feels like my brother ripped my heart out and put it back all messed up. I hope you can some how pull together as a family instead of pulling apart. It's nice your husband has reached out to connect with people that have gone through what your family is experiencing now. Not all people can.
Peace to you and your family

[Mrs. T]

I want to thank everyone for your responses. This site has especially helped Mr. T who is still blaming himself in one way or another. We all go through that I know, but he was absolutely doing everything possible to help his "little girl". My heart aches for him; but I know he must go through this. I want to thank you all for helping him. I'm pretty sure nobody would ever expect to be in this position. . .it really isn't right, but we all have to, somehow, get through it. Nothing will ever be the same, I think we all know that. We have to be here for others. . . Thank you again.

[Mrs. T]

I've been flashing back on just the little things I/we did with our daughter. It's very hurtful and it leaves me with the "what for" mode. I don't like that. Unfinished business. . .

[lexsmom]

It's kind of "funny" the things you miss..I miss just talking with her..nothing special just everday conversations. She could always make me laugh, her sense of humor was amazing. She knew how to make people smile ~sigh~

[Mrs. T]

lexsmom - yes, i just miss being around her - nothing special. It's so sad to know you'll never see her again. I hate that.

[lexsmom]

Mrs. T
I can't think in 'never' terms anymore but try to concentrate on 'some day' instead. Each day I make it through is one day closer to being with Alexa again. I know that this just might be a 'head game' but it helps me get through each day.
Sharing in your pain...

[Ronnie Walker]

No funeral gloom, my dears, when I am gone,
Corpse-gazing, tears, black raiment, graveyard grimness.
Think of me as withdrawn into the dimness,
Yours still, you mine.
Remember all the best of our past moments and forget the rest,
And so to where I wait come gently on.

Ellen Terry
_________________
Ronnie Walker, MS, LCPC
Executive Director, Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors

Visit our website at www.forsuicidesurvivors.org

[Mrs. T]

yesterday was a hard day for me. The finality of it hit me HARD during the day. To think I'll never see her again coming into the room just made my heart drop! Her older sister came over last night, had dinner with us and spent the night. It was comforting to me and I think her father. A roller coaster ride; that's all. . .

[KayR]

Ronnie that reminds me this poem..
It was on Rui's prayer card at the funeral home and in a frame beside my bed

When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me,
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room.

Why cry for a soul that is free?
Miss me a little, but not too long
And not with your head bowed low,

Remember the love
that we once shared
Miss me-but let me go.

For this is a journey
that we all must take,
And each must go alone,

It's all a part of the master plan
A step on the road home.

When you are lonely and sick of heart,
Go to the friends we know.
And bury your sorrows
in doing good deeds,

Miss me-but let me go
_________________
Im Krystal.

<3 RMV..
Every single day everytime I pray..Ill be missing you

[KayR]

Mrs T Iam so sorry I cant even imagine what it would be like to lose a child to this horrible thing!
_________________
Im Krystal.

<3 RMV..
Every single day everytime I pray..Ill be missing you